How To Be A Creeper: Unwarranted Touchy-Feely-Ness

How To Be A Creeper: Unwarranted Touchy-Feely-Ness

This one is actually inspired by a friend, the name of who will remain anonymous lest they see this and I get dubbed the “bad friend” (Womp womp). So, let me describe a little about the particular observation that led me (and probably the girl he was macking it to) to think, “Wow, what a FREAKIN creeper!”

First, some disclaimers…

Disclaimer #1: The less-important details of the following story may be skewed a little to protect the identity of my creeper friend. Although, to those that know whom I’m talking about, I’m sure it’s no secret! 🙂

Disclaimer #2: Despite my criticism and the laughs I get out of this, I will forever LOVE my friend! This person will be in my wedding… However, not without first forewarning the bridesmaids to stay clear!  Haha Jokes! Really though. Great person… bad flirting tendencies.

Ok to the story….

It’s a Saturday night and we’re at a local San Francisco club (I should probably point out the fact that this particular club seems to be a breeding ground for creepiness. It’s hot, sweaty and atypically darker than other clubs – probably to help conceal the uglyness of some its patrons). Our first order of business? A round of drinks, duh! As we approach the back, it’s the usual scene – A bunch of men loitering and lurking around the bar, fishing for conversations with girls in tight dresses.

My friend, with the goal to bring someone home tonight, sashays over to where these two females are waiting for their drinks. With his fedora slightly tilted to shadow half of his face, he says, “Hi girls. *wave*”

First of all, what kind of introduction is that? I don’t know about the rest of you, but I don’t normally wave to people who are standing 5 feet in front of me. Ok, fine. I’ll let him slide with that. One of the girls doesn’t seem to mind and they actually fire up a chat. Kudos, friend! You’re in!

However, much to our dismay, within ten minutes of conversation, the Creeper starts to emerge. I see his right hand move up her back without shame. I could tell she feels awkward as she tries to discretely lean forward towards the bar to get away from his wandering hand. The conversation gets pretty cold quickly and you could tell she’s reluctant to keep it going. Creeper friend obviously does not get the picture and his fingers continue their trek across her back. Fortunately, it’s not a full-on grope; he’s actually more like skimming her back, but it’s still enough to give the girl the heebie-jeebies.

Moral of the story? Unless you get the right vibes, keep your hands to yourself.

This may seem like a no-brainer, but you’d be surprised to know how many wandering phalanges cat-daddy their way onto a girl’s body at the club. It’s actually pretty gross and is partially the reason why I prefer to party in Castro (SF’s predominately gay scene) – You rarely run into creepers there… well, for girls at least. I wouldn’t exactly say the same thing for boys. Especially straight ones.

If you’re a guy and can admit you’ve done these creepy, unwarranted touches, you’re probably thinking, “Well, how do you know if I’m getting the right vibes?”

As a woman, here’s some tips on how to tell if a girl is feeling you or not (Although, it’s not universal, and varies among other girls). Also, it should be noted that if your actual goal IS to become a creeper, do not pay attention to any of these:

1) She’s actually engaged in the conversation.

Although a club is probably the last place you’ll find a good conversation, girls do like having one. It also helps if she’s smiling, laughing and delving into your statements. If you’re the only one facilitating the conversation or she’s half-assing her answers, Sorry bud, there’s no interest there. Walk away gracefully.

2) Her body language indicates attraction.

Good signs include: moving closer to you, leaning in to speak to you, touching you on the arm or chest, and not backing away when you lean in to speak to her. Don’t do a Creeper Lean In though. You know what I mean – Leaning in to say something but swiping your lips across her cheek. YEA, nasty! Stay as platonic as possible in the beginning so as not to seem a threat. If you get these positive body language signals, only then can you move forward and unplatonicize yourself. And yes, I made up that word. Unplatonicize. Too fetch.

If you’re still unsure whether you’re getting the right vibes, keep your hands at bay until you do. It’s better to be safe than sorry! If all else fails, you can probably approach one of the grenade girls dancing like a slut on the dance floor. I’m sure they won’t mind a little fondling. Cat-daddy for ya!

RoseAnne Moises

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