How To Be A Creeper: The X-Ray Vision Eyes

Analogous to the previous post, here are a few disclaimers in an attempt to salvage any hope that you guys still think I’m a nice person…

Disclaimer #1: Apologies for the lag in posts. Between work, school and the excessive drinking, there’s little time for me to actually do the things I enjoy…like making fun of people (in a purely loving fashion, of course!)

Disclaimer #2: A long-time friend called me the other day, absolutely convinced that my last posting was about him. His words, verbatim: “I don’t know. The ‘fedora’ thing hit really close to home.” LOL. Although this friend is undoubtedly the King of Creepin, “Unwarranted Touchy-Feelyness” was, to his dismay, NOT about him. It’s funny – Most people would detest being the lead role in a blog called “How to Be A Creeper,” but for some strange reason, I think it really bruised his ego that someone else might be equally, if not more, creepy than him (Competitive much? haha). So this one is dedicated to you, Friend. You still wear the crown.

It’s the typical Saturday night routine….We’re all suited up, feeling fantastic (thanks to Mr. Jack Daniels) and already fist-pumping our way into oblivion. Known to be a sexual predator among our group of friends, “Richard” (as we’ll call him) begins his hunt for a suitable female prey. He does this thing where he sneakily deviates from our dancing group of friends and gravitates towards the first stand-alone woman in his peripherals. That’s when you know something interesting is about to happen.

Mr. Daniels must’ve really had an effect on Richard, because the girl he approached looked like she was the “fun” friend with a “great personality.” She’s half-entertaining him, as his eyes are still wandering and surveying the other females around him. Pretending to listen to Miss Personality, his sniper eyes zero in on a girl standing a few feet from him, wearing an ankle wrap for a dress. I’m not going to lie, she was pretty hot; Even I had to double take. I look over to Richard, and immediately, his chin tilts downward, his eyebrows arc, and a pedofile-esque grin slowly graces his face. I call this the X-Ray Vision eyes because obviously, as his eyes are moving up and down with every curve of her body, in his mind she’s wearing absolutely nothing… except maybe some boobie-tassles ( ! )( ! ) woooowwwweee!

Ladies, you know exactly that I’m talking about… It goes a little something like this…

HAHAHAHAHA Dude!!! WTF IS THAT??!?!?!?! Fortunately for her, she didn’t see him. Otherwise, she’d be creeped the ‘eff out… I know I’d be!

Gentlemen…Seriously. There are many other ways to express that you like a girl or think she’s attractive. Please, please, PLEASE keep your pedofile alter egos to yourself! For those, like Richard, who are unsure how to express interest, here are a few alternatives:

1) Try approaching her. DUH you asshole. Buy that girl a drink before some other guy does!

2) Reel her in. Get your imaginary fishing rod out and throw her the bait. Wait for it. If she catches, reel that baby in!!!! If she’s any fun, she’ll even wiggle her way towards you.

To sum it up… Don’t be a DICK like my friend DICK. And yes, that’s a play on words (for those of you who know who this blog is about) 🙂 🙂 🙂

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