The Demise of Intelligence

The Demise of Intelligence

This one’s not really about creepers or, specifically, how to become one. It’s not even about bitches and hoes. Just a sad, sad self-realization…

“All this drinking is destroying my neurological synapses!”

This I loudly proclaim, as I rise from the edge of my bed, garbed in the same scantily meager mini skirt and tank top that I adorned twelve hours earlier. As I get up from my paralyzed position, the left side of my face swipes the lukewarm puddle of drool that has formed on my pillow top. Awesome way to start the morning, no? The full-body length mirror is a mere four steps to my left. Shall I have a look? Hmn, I think I’ll pass.. Oh man. Another long night of memory lapses. Or, rather, I should probably say “short” as I can only recall the first 2 hours or so.

Let’s recount the night. Oh yes, I definitely remember the bottle. The gallon-sized Grey Goose mini-tower that stood haughtily on our living room table. In just minutes, 128 fluid ounces of tenants seemed to dash out the front door, like the 5pm race to the parking lot after a long day at work. My bloodstream is I-280; congested and overwhelmed with this over-enthused traffic.

Oh wait, crap, I forgot something. I forgot about that damn Vicodin pill, taken moments earlier, routinely ingested at six-hour increments. Whoa, don’t get me wrong — this was not a voluntary action. I’m not a druggie! I’d just got one of my back molars pulled out. Random fact:Since I was 18, I pretty much forfeited the use of any kind of medicinal drugs, taking Advil or Tylenol only when faced with death. I have my medical-professioned parents to blame, who, since I can remember, were strong believers that medicine = health and that me and brothers were the perfect guinea pigs for their medical practices. There were many times when I’ve abruptly woken up in the middle of the night, most terrified of that menacing dark shadow looming over my body with a machete in its hand. That dark shadow was my mother, with a syringe, ready to give me all my Hep immunizations. (Note: None of this is fiction; you can even ask my little brother who never ONCE woke up from these shots — I, of course, seemed to be laddled with bad luck as I always awoke moments before insertion). SO YES, YOU CAN ONLY IMAGINE HOW TRAUMATIZING MY CHILDHOOD WAS. In all good intention though; how ever much they tortured me, I always and still love my parents.

Anywaysssss, rerouting back from my childhood tangent to the topic at hand… I didn’t realize how great the effect of (alch + pill) would be on my body. A few nights before, I had a couple of drinks and didn’t feel a thing. Needless to say, on this particular Saturday night, with Mr. G. Goose and Miss Vic, the rest of my night was a blur. Success.

Every time a night like this ensues, I always wake up the next morning with a) an impressive wedgie, and b) the feeling of my brain ever-so-slowly reconstructing itself to resemble more and more the EEG scans of Snookie.

BRAINDEAD. This wasn’t always the case. At one point of my life, I prided myself for my “larger-than average” (but probably average) network of neurological synapses. Rewind 16 years into the past when I was in 3rd grade. I was the quiet, nerdy Asian girl who never talked. With little friends and no signs of maturity, my self-proclaimed above-average intelligence was all I that I could capitalize on at the time. I probably wasn’t any smarter than the other kids, but my teacher definitely fueled my self-delusion! She gave me a laundry list of additional books to read. When I failed my first math test (I think it was on division), my teacher believed so much in my intelligence, she let me take it again — a leisure that was presented to none of my other classmates. Teacher’s pet? OH HELL YEA. And boy, did I milk it. A year later, in 4th grade, I used to get bored during grammar lessons and would, instead, occupy myself by writing poetry and doodling. After failing to answer an on-the-spot question, my treasured notebook was shortly confiscated. Mrs. Dough, I never forgave you for that.

Even in 8th grade, my English teacher thought I’d accomplish some outstanding feats in my life. Revisiting an old year book, she wrote (not exactly verbatim): “You’re talented in all that you do! Keep it up and you’ll go to Harvard!” Harvard. HAH! Not even close!!

In High School, I seemed to do pretty well considering how my dance career took over my life. My daily schedule went as such: 7am – 3pm, school. 4pm – 9pm dance. The remaining few hours of the day were dedicated to school work, studying, and Vienna Sausage. Shit. Aside from Ramen noodles, Vienna sausage made the most of my adolescent diet…

And that’s where the cerebral demise began: with Vienna sausage. From what I remember in my physio-psychology class, the normal person experiences two spikes in cerebral-synapse growth. The first is during your first 5 years, and the second during your adolescence. As I pull up the nutritional facts of my delicious childhood friend, I am confronted with the following truth: My second cerebral growth was being stunted!!!

Total Fat 16.87g 26.0%
Saturated Fat 6.20g 31.0%
Cholesterol 75.66mg 25.2%
Sodium 842.64mg 35.1%
Total carbs 2.26g 0.8%
Fiber, total dietary 0g 0%
Protein 9.13g 18.3%
Vitamin A 0IU 0%
Vitamin C 0mg 0%
Calcium 8.70mg 0.9%
Iron 0.77mg 4.3%

Good Lord! Look at those PDV’s!  With one serving, I was ingesting 16g Total Fat, 6.2g Saturated Fat, 75mg Chloesterol, 842mg Sodium, 70g of rat droppings, 10mm of insect legs, and 50og of 100% pure shit. My brain was being starved!!! Vienna sausage hacked away at my neurological webbings like a 5 year old kid hacks away at a spider’s enterprise when he accidentally runs into it at night.

Since then, it’s seemed to be nothing but a endless downward spiral. College probably fucked me up the most. Stupid 103 Hemingway parties, M.I.T. frat houses, keg stands, and inane amounts of cannabis + (2 CH3CH2OH + 2 CO2). Shit, my medulla oblogata was doomed.

My only other takeaway from my physio-psych class was this: After your mid-twenties, your brain begins its slow but inevitable process of deterioiation. FUCK MAN, I’M ALMOST IN MY MID-TWENTIES!!! Has my brain been permanently snafued? Is it too late for me to mend the man-made cavities, etched out by J. Daniels and Maui Waui??

FUCK MAN. I’ve got one more year left under my belt until I’m officially in my mid-twenties.

Begin the hoarding of literature and facts!!!!

RoseAnne Moises

9,981 thoughts on “The Demise of Intelligence

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  11. Dear Sven,Maybe some day…when your child or grandchild is killed or threatened by a gun, you will have a better understanding of why compromise on gun control matters are important. People who are not willing to acknowledge the dangers that our society faces from guns are simply acting selfishly. Let’s start doing something to protect the innocent children of this wonderful country. At least when the next shooting tragedy occurs, I will know that I’ve done something to help address this particular instrument of evil. Will you?Alicia DiMarco

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  13. Olha pra ele!Atão e se se resolvesse o problema que é que se fazia ao dinheiro que se gasta nisso tudo hein? Ainda ía parar a esses gastadores do Ministério da Saúde, ou ainda pior ao Ministério da Defesa ou da Educação!Permite-me um apelo:Incendiários deste páis, pensem em como seria divertido ver a Assembléia da República a arder com os deputados lá dentro! Era linnndddoooooo!

  14. Este evento, promovido pela Spasso, com coordenação brilhante da Verônica, foi um exemplo de como organizar com brilhantismo uma solenidade de premiação aqueles que se destacaram no ano. Tudo perfeito: bebidas, bufêt, mesas, decoração. Só deixou um pouco a desejar nas músicas.Espero que neste ano de 2012, seja melhor ainda.Parabens.Alcione C.N.Gama

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  17. Intéressant ton affaire Oluive. Mais comme tu l’as fait remarquer toi-même, la dichotomisation, synonyme de perte de la richesse de l’infos, est problématique. Et c’est ça qui m’embête le plus d’autant qu’il s’agit d’un indice de SURPRISE. Pourquoi ne pas opter alors pour une trichotomisation. Ça aurait déjà l’avantage de prendre en compte les big uppset en leur donnant un poids plus élevé…

  18. Please let me know if you’re looking for a article author for your site. You have some really great articles and I think I would be a good asset. If you ever want to take some of the load off, I’d absolutely love to write some articles for your blog in exchange for a link back to mine. Please send me an e-mail if interested. Many thanks!

  19. I am sorry to hear about your brother, glad to hear that he is doing better. You brought up a good point that I forgot after reading about how important the ventricles are. Any damage or disease in that area is more dangerous than if it occurs elswhere in the heart. Even though every area of the heart is important.

  20. Wow, did I just lose a steaming pile of respect for Dr. Kilstein. Really? Do you think that this is going to get you ahead with this post? ignorance is not going to get you very far by writing stupid, stupid articles like this. It better get better or it’s coming off my bookmark bar. I thought this was to be the end-all of all dog sites? Oh, please. Get it together.

  21. Great job Kevin, its so good to see you attacking and dominating the iron again.I hope that you won´t stop this Report at the next time [some day ] because you help us out there in the gym. I plan to start a high intensitiv training in the next month at holiday, your Report gives me the inspiration to do this, dont let it come to an end.Good Luck Kevin— thx for the Report —Out baby :]

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  26. Or like the old saw “success has a thousand mothers and failure is an orphan” — Einstein’s theory is celebrated and phlogiston called crackpottery only in hindsight. There was nothing about phlogiston that makes in innately impossible or even unrealistic, we just so happen to live in a universe where it is not the case.

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  28. Thanks again, Charlotte!  This was perfect timing as I seemed to stall on toning, inch loss, motivation and needed encouragement.  There it was right in my inbox. I have stepped it up to 6 days of BWO+ from every other day and I am hopeful that if I stay committed and consistent, good things will happen.  One day at a time …

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  34. Man, why can’t we get someone who can muscle and is taller than 6’10″? For us to take ‘the next step’ we need that type of player. I know it’s not easy getting that guy with the limited pool to fish in, but with Lehigh now getting some ‘cred’ in the basketball world, one would hope we could land a ‘big one’ soon!

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  36. hey ann, I think I want to know more about the book! It sounds very interesting. I spent a lot of time on the internet trying to find the book as well and have had no luck.This reminds me of that movie Numbers or was it called 23 where Jim Carey writes a book while going insane. Forgets he wrote the book, and then years later reads the only copy of his own book. .. My point is, maybe you have the 1 and only copy. have you contacte the publisher?

  37. Farmar’s poor D is a conundrum. He was a very good defensive player in college, and he is an excellent athlete in terms of speed/agility/explosiveness. I don’t necessarily buy exhelodrvr’s comment about good college players in an excellent scheme getting exposed once they get to the League. UCLA plays an aggressive man-to-man, and Farmar had to man up from half-court on. It’s not like they hide players in a zone (a la Syracuse). There’s really no excuse for why he isn’t a better defender.

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  41. Great post! I love the hatphones! I was just waiting to get your feedback on them before I could decide whether to ask for them for Christmas or not. So glad to hear that they are so cool. I’m so excited for the list of 26.2 things – what a great idea!

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  44. Excellent idea with the 1 %. It really puts things into perspective… Funny you mentioning the goat – we always give a goat or a cow or some hens to families in need through Plan for Christmas. This is a great thing when you have kids. They love telling their friends and when the teacher asks “what did you get for christmas?” – they say “we gave someone a cow!”

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  49. Beats standing on a corner I guess, but the situation is not all that much different really, now that I think about it.Quite different. As a street walker, a person can retain his mind, his interior life, as his own.A mind-whore cannot.

  50. Bonnie,You are the reason I’ve been brave enough to “out” myself to my husband of 27 years. Wow, not only am I not alone – I’m not even ashamed or think that I’m “abnormal”. Bless you for that. SSSSSSSSSSSSSooooooooo much cheaper than therapy and I’ve got something to show for it. (but not in public…wink) You are my link to the rest of the spanking world. Keep up the good work.dieseldiva

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