How To Be A Creeper: The Bug-Ya-Boo

Ok sure, you’re a catch.
You’re sweet, incredibly kind to the ladies, a great snuggler, and may even write sappy love songs on your acoustic guitar for the ones that you care about. You have everything a woman could ever ask for in a man! So why, then, is it seemingly impossible for you to get the girl, despite your many tried attempts?

As a woman, let me share with you nice guys where you go wrong…. There seems to be a common misconception out there that has mistakenly been baptized as a core creed in the “Nice Guy’s Guide to Getting a Girlfriend.” That misconception is:

All girls like to be showered with attention.

Here’s the truth: You have been brainwashed by idealistic chick-flicks, where ficticious men race to the airport just in time to stop the girl he loves from leaving his side.

Ok, seriously….there are two inherent flaws in this “romantic” situation that usually denotes the forthcoming end to said chick-flick. First, how the hell does he always get passed the security gates and catch the girl within seconds of boarding? I get hassled for the most trivial things (like having a nailclipper in my purse), and he jumps the ropes without even having his shoes scanned????! If he was really at the airport, the TSA would have stun-gunned his love-sick ass. Second, the woman is probably leaving to pursue some kind of unfulfilled dream… If a guy ever said to me “Don’t follow your dreams, stay here,” I’d punch him in the gonads. That said, I think I’ve proven my point that chick-flicks are TERRIBLE, unrealistic reference points on how to actually get a girlfriend.


Although girls do enjoy feeling appreciated, most girls (excluding insecure attention-whores with a minor case of histrionic personality disorder) could pass on the showering. The only showering we enjoy are ones that make our hair smell like vanilla-almond after…. So unless you can accomplish that in a non-creepy way, I suggest that you consider skipping it.

Sure. You may think that you’re being a gentleman by texting her every second of the day and stalking her in attempt to perfectly time the moment she arrives home from class so that you can surprise her with a love-song that you spent weeks writing. But really, dude…. Truth is, you’re just being a Stage-Five clinger.

Not sure what a Stage-Five Clinger is? I’ll let Vince Vaughn explain to you what it is…

As the above video illustrates, Stage Five Clingers are crazies that become overly attached, way too fast. How do you know if you’re being a Stage-Five Clinger?

Well, one hint is your texting habits. Go ahead and look at your texts between yourself and the girl of your interest. What does it look like? Is she responding with one word answers like “lol”, “kk”, or “cool” while you are writing monolouges? In some ideal world, maybe she’s really laughing out loud… But more probably, she’s feigning interest, just to be nice.

Are you constantly on her Facebook/Twitter? If you refresh her page every few minutes just to see if she’s updated with a new status or Instagram photo, then consider yourself a Stage Five. Although you may think that these updates are disguised love messages directed to you from her, they’re probably not. She probably didn’t even think of you the whole day, let alone while she was snapping a picture of her pet Puggle doing something ridiculously cute… And if you have “coincidently” shown up to a place that she has checked-in at on Foursquare, then you are not only a Stage Five Clinger but may also be a borderline stalker. Yikes. Get off the Internet and do something productive before she calls the authorities on you.

Here’s what it really boils down to… Don’t be so easy. As much as girls say that they hate it, we really do enjoy a little chase. Things that come too easy and too quickly bore us. You can be the nicest, sweetest guy EVER but if you also possess Stage Five Clinger characteristics, then don’t ever count on getting a girlfriend… a sane one, at least.


Photo cred: WZAKcleveland

8,994 Replies to “How To Be A Creeper: The Bug-Ya-Boo”